Some Thoughts on Family and Motherhood (this is a long post)

I’ve been thinking a little bit about what it means to be a mother and seeking that joy in motherhood that some women seem to always have day in and day out. Don’t get me wrong, I always have and always will love my little boy more than I ever thought possible, and probably will always think he is the coolest little guy ever. I guess I never dreamed or imagined how hard everything would be! From the physical strain of waking up when I’m not necessarily ready and constant bending down, picking up, changing diapers, etc to the emotional strain of “Do I know what the heck I’m doing?”, “Is everything ok with him? Is he getting enough food? Too little? What about sleep? Is he sleeping enough? Why does he need so much constant attention? Can’t he just figure it out that plastic bags are not edible and TV’s and computer cords are not toys?” or “I have such a huge responsibility to teach this child things that he needs to know, and what if I can’t do it?”, I sometimes find myself discouraged, irritable, and struggle to find joy and importance in the menial daily tasks I do. Glenn just started a new semester which means he will be gone a lot more and home a lot less. I was dealing with a few feelings of jealousy that he gets to go somewhere everyday and interact with a lot of people and do fun things, while Nico and I spend the day doing boring chores that need to get done and trying to come up with things that are interesting and somewhat stimulating in the small town that we live in. (This normally ends up being a couple trips to the store and/or a walk.) So, in a moment of self pity I started thinking and realizing that for several reasons, for several months we haven’t become friends with a couple wherein we hang out several times a week doing something. This is kinda weird to me because for most of my life I have relied heavily on friends. However, I was lucky enough to make a connection today. I’m at the point in my life (as well as most of my friends) where it doesn’t really work out too well to have friends where you hang out together several times a week. While it is sad, and I hope to still get together with people occasionally, why can’t my immediate family be those friends to me that I have relied so heavily on in the past? Glenn is everything I ever hoped for in a companion and so much more. Hanging out with him is awesome! While I do feel it is important to have other friends than your family, I think I have been focusing too much on that lately, and the fact that things are different than they used to be. I’m totally fine having Glenn and Nico as my friends that I see the most. Heck, I chose them, didn’t I? That brought me to think about my daily situation with Nico. I’m afraid I’ve looked at him a little too much as something that is dependent on me for survival. Period. Instead, he’s the guy that I get to hang out with all the time, therefore fulfilling that role of “friend to constantly hang out with” that I was used to. Who cares if he’s 24 years younger than me? As I have started to remember that he’s a person with a personality, and part of our family, I appreciate him much more. He’s that friend that makes me laugh and laughs with me when I do silly stuff. Instead of getting annoyed that he has a silly routine of playing peek-a-boo with his blanket before going to sleep, I’ve been able to notice how much he’s perfected that game to holding me in suspense with what he is going to do, and then startles me when he uncovers his face, making me laugh. Instead of getting irritated that he crawls everywhere and gets into everything, I’ve been able to get down and crawl around with him, and we’ve had a blast. So I guess the conclusion I have come to is that I am going to be spending the rest of eternity with my family, so why not enjoy it? Instead of focusing on everything that I have to get done, and what a hard job it is, I should focus on the fun times I get to have with my son, and be grateful that he is the friend I’ve been looking for!